Dénouement

So now I'm in a ditch, covered with muddy water and embarrassment. My purse is on the grass with my Sunday school envelope laid beside it. And he's not driving; he's looking at me shocked. Then he puts the car in park and carefully walks to the edge of the ditch in question and peers in at me.

"Come on. Let me help you up."

I'm stubborn. That's how I got here in the first place. And like a child I shake my head. He sighs and wonders how we're going to get out of this. I can read his expression, even in the dusk, even without my glasses which have flown onto the roadside. He looks down at the grass and I know he's wondering whether or not he should cut his losses. He's considered that before. But he's my man. He won't leave me. Even when he retreats to the hood of the car, he can't leave.

"What's on your mind, girl?"

I talk. Words tumble out and roll like marbles. We're at the same spot we've always been. And if we never move? Then what? I feel like he doesn't need me. Doesn't matter if I stay or if I go. But I don't want to go. I want to stay - and live. There's something biting my ankle in this ditch and it does hurt, but I can't move until he hears me. He tugs on his overalls and looks down the road.

"I do need you. It's hard to explain. Maybe if you'd let me help you out of there…"

I want promises. Commitments. Reassurance. Or I'm not going anywhere. It's juvenile, but I can't think of another way right now. "Say anything, anything to get me to move," I pray silently. That's not him though. We're looking at one another. When I see him, it's always like the first time. I don't want to cry, but I feel my tears stinging . He and I are more alike than different. I put my hand on my hip and suck my teeth as I blink away the tears. His eyes are back down the road.

"I won't be railroaded. Get out of the damn ditch and we can talk." Then pleadingly. "Okay?"

"You gone let me sit square on that Fine Corinthian Leather? I smell like swamp and hot woman."

"Suppose. You know you're finer than that leather anyway."

I smile. That's a reassurance of sorts. I'll take it. I stretch out my hand and he helps me up the steep embankment.

"You're a mess. In a cute way, I think," he chuckles. "You know I need you around. You do know that, don't you?" He touches the side of my muddy face softly.

"That's all I needed to hear, I guess."

So what DO men want?

I need some honest answers and I need them now.

Lately, a lot has been said about the single-ness of Black women. More specifically, young, educated, fairly successful Black women who, while it would seem they are the perfect catch, find themselves alone. Usually, I'm lucky and articles I read and things I see have little or nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, this time I wasn't so lucky. The woman that was being described, that successful during the day and lonely at night woman, was me.

I talk sometimes about my resume: I'm degreed, I have a good job, a house, a car, I'm smart, I cook. I'm supportive and caring. Independent, unbiased sources have verified that I'm fairly attractive. Whatever. I can reel off about 20 other excellent reasons that I should be someone else's significant other. I can even come up with some reasons that might disqualify me: I'm a little more round, if you will, than I used to be, living alone has made me a hermit, a lot of Texas guys can't take natural hair seriously. I'm a realist; I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea.

But, damn, you'd think I'd be someone's cup of tea.

Somewhere in the middle, there has to be an answer. And I'm kinda close to giving up on the game totally and accepting that some people are just meant to be alone and I'm just one of those people. But before I do, I promised myself I'd give it another chance in 2010. An honest, real, I'm really trying, chance.

(Let me preface this next part: I will never be against another sister. And I know times are hard. I want everyone to find that someone. But I'm sure I'll be accused of hating anyway.)

Men do a lot of talking about what they want in a woman. And then they do a lot of contradicting themselves. You want Miss Independent, but you hook up with the most dependent woman you can find. You want someone who supports your dreams, but you stay with someone who stifles your creativity and makes you feel like a loser. You want someone with ambition, but you'll take someone who's real ambition is for you to make her situation better - the less she spends on rent, the more she can spend on clothes. I know those are gross generalizations, but when I look around, it just seems that women who aren't trying to do a whole lot with themselves don't have a problem getting a man. And women who are out there trying to do some things are spending their lives alone.

Now before you say "Maybe your standards are too high" you should know this: that might be the case if I were even meeting men. But I'm not. I'm not even meeting men to turn down anymore. So it's not that. My standards aren't a high hurdle, by the way. I have to be reasonable attracted to you and you have to live an honest life. Be able to take care of yourself and your responsibilities in an honest, lawful way. Don't be a complete idiot. I would like a Black man. That's about it, I'm flexible on the rest, within reason. No height or salary requirements. And as for me, like I said, I know there's a little more of me to love lately, but I don't think that's it either. When I go to the mall or just out and about, I'm seeing lots of women with a whole, whole, whole lot more to love and they're not alone.

So what I need to know is what men are really interested in. There are some things I'll never be. I'll never be a model. I'll never be younger. I'll never be more naïve. But, I imagine (ok, I hope), there are other things men are interested in. I'd like to know what they are, because I'd like to give myself a fighting chance. I want to know what I'm up against. I don't need to hear about how I need to pray or be patient or anything like that. I need to know what men want. I need some ideas. I'm not promising I'll be doing a complete rehaul, but I the fact is if I don't change something, nothing is going to change.

What you got? I'm all ears.

I fell into his smile and couldn't get away

I had a ticket to another show that night, so I called myself just passing through. But by then, I was lost (I didn't see a block party of any sort) and about to leave. You're never more than 20 minutes away from a mall, right? I figured I'd waste the rest of the day walking the recycled air of retailers. I'd almost called it an afternoon when I heard him call my name.

Seriously?

I figure this guy knows a billion people - that's not an exaggeration - he can't pick me out on the sidewalk. But he did. That tickled me, but I didn't want to laugh too hard. I think laughing too hard makes me look like Mrs. Buttersworth, all jolly and shit. He was exactly as I expected him to be, including how we looked eye to eye. I liked that. Equal footing, I say. He was handsome with a bouncy walk and a friendly demeanor. He spoke to everyone. I liked that too. I'm not much of a talker sometimes, but I can appreciate it.

Up the street. Down the street. Back where we started. Short street, but it took awhile. We looked at stuff, talked to people. But there seemed to be no party. When we got inside, we talked. I remember telling a friend later, that I'd never had a man look me in the eye so intently as I spoke. It made me uncomfortable, but only because it never happened before. He was really paying attention. Or he was really faking it. I don't know, but I was quite impressed. He was animated and warm. Genuinely friendly. Slightly goofy. Good sense of humor. Very nice. And because I was having such a good time, a few hours into the night, I almost hated to excuse myself to the restroom.

I stared in to the mirror. I wanted to get away and I did. It was a good trip too. Lots of time to think and do whatever I wanted. I’d have to call it a success. I dug in my purse and pulled out the ticket. The show was at 9. It was 8. I had a choice to make. Do I ask him for directions to the other spot? I knew he'd know, this was his town. I mean, I hadn't actually planned to say more than "Hi". And there we were, listening to bands and joking around. I hadn't actually planned to stay. But, as the poem goes, "The best laid plans of mice and men, oft go awry." I stared at the ticket. I'd seen Van several times. It was always a good show. So why was I hesitating?

I probably won't ever know the answer to that, because I didn't let myself get that far. I tore the ticket in two. I threw it away. When I got back to the table, he was there smiling. (Okay, maybe he was wincing in pain. That's another story for another day.) Sometimes, better plans fall into your lap.

He's a nice guy.

Vegetarian Taco Soup (With Vegan Options!)

1 bag Quorn Grounds (Vegans, use 2 rolls Gimme Lean Ground Beef Style)

1/2 cup chopped onions

1 can pinto beans, drained

1 can mild chili beans (I go for hot!)

1 can corn (I like Fiesta Corn)

1 can tomatoes and with green chilis (Texan Known As: Rotel)

1 can stewed tomatoes

1 1/2 cup water

1 pkg Taco Seasoning

1 pkg Ranch dressing mix* (Vegans, Omit this!)

Seasoning Salt to taste

Heat the Quorn Grounds/ Brown the Gimme Lean with the onions. Add the Taco Seasoning and the Ranch Dressing mix. Add the remaining ingredients and heat until warmed thoroughly. Serve with Tortilla Chips, Cheese and Sour Cream. (Vegans, try Teese or Follow Your Heart "Cheese" and Tofutti "Better than Sour Cream")

* Another option is to just forgo the meat substitute altogether and add a can of drained black beans. The black beans will give you a little heavy texture in place of a meat sub.

23 1/2

Here is 23 1/2
my hair in rollers
on the toilet I sat on
as a child
as a teenager
I am a grown woman
my head is clear
but my heart is broke
just like my bank account
days are blending in with one another
I wonder if I'm doing this right
my life
not exactly like I planned
but still existing somehow
the ants that bite my feet
at night
remind me I'm alive.
I'm losing weight
and losing patience
to match the mind I lost last year.
I can never catch the man I love.
He is like a vapor.
Come close and he's gone again.
But my skin tone is beautiful lately
So there is something to smile
about anyway
right here at 23 1/2


©2004 KaLeah Hicks

Danger Pt.2

I sing a f***ked up song
if you know it, sing along
it goes one, two
one, two, one, two
it goes what's a me
without a you?
it goes on into the night
where the candles burn
it goes deeper than that
it wonders will I learn
a Melodie like Ms.
a charming man
a silly wish
two turntables
and a Grimm Brothers fable
it goes on and on
it gets worse and worse
it gets sick enough
for you to call a nurse
I got a song so wild
it makes a statue smile
so when you hear my song
you know something's gone wrong
and maybe you better take cover


©2004 KaLeah Hicks

Drowning...

You are in danger of drowning, even as you read this on dry land. Sad, but true. It's a regular occurrence that people get in over their heads in ways that are easily avoided. Better to learn how not to drown. Or at least the best way to do it.

We, as people, spend a lot of time trying to understand things that we don't really need to understand. I'm all for learning and growing - that goes without saying. I'm just proposing that sometimes, we aren't meant to understand how people come to the conclusions they do and why they act the way they act. You can spend a lot of time trying to figure out someone else's mind. Or you can spend a lot of time worrying about yourself. That's not selfish, that's self preservation. Make sure your own pool is maintained, first. If you keep trying to clean someone else's pool, you might just drown there - it's unfamiliar territory.

Sometimes you stick your toe in water you know it doesn't belong in. Everyone has to live their own life, whether you like it or not. You don’t have to agree and you don't have to sign off on it. I know a lot of people who feel like it's their duty to dispense an opinion whenever they feel like it, on topics big and small. Maybe you should wait until someone asks you what you think. Because maybe they won't. Be especially careful when it's something that's so small you just know they won't mind you giving a bit of advice. Unless you're specifically consulted, you 're better off keeping your grand wisdom to yourself. Under the right circumstances, you can drown in as little as one inch of water.

Diving in shallow water is another hazard. You need to make sure you know what you're getting into before you go jumping into a something new. Myself, I try to think about all the angles. Trust me, if I'm entering a situation, I've considered all the possible lives and people that are affected. I've tried to put myself in their shoes and see it their way. Sometimes what I want for me isn't best for other people and I have to weigh the options. There have been times I've walked away from things and people I would have loved to be involved in because it would have hurt another person. Had I dived in without understanding the depth of the situation, I would have hit my head on the bottom sooner than later, and eventually drowned. Sometimes looks can be deceiving.

You can drown staying still just like you can drown trying to swim. I know this, because I've tried it both ways. I prefer, these days, to drown trying to swim. At least then, I know I gave it my all. I swim without floaties, because I'm a big girl now. What I decide is my own decision and I'm prepared to live with it. But I am not prepared to drown because I was afraid to move. If I'm going down, I'm going to be tired because I've exhausted all the possibilities.

(I'm not really finished with this…it's just some thoughts I had.)
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